Mario's Trip To The Finale: Part 2: The Rich Get Richer
Posted by Mario Lanza on 12.20.02
This is part two of my big whirlwind Survivor reality tour on Thursday. If you haven't yet, please read my account
of the Elizabeth Glaser Survivor Fundraiser Brunch, I got to meet a lot of Survivors!
This is an account of my first trip to a Survivor finale. I am using a style in honor of the funniest sports columnist
of all time, Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") of ESPN.com. I've been a big fan of his way back before
he hit it big at ESPN. He often uses a running diary format, so I am attempting the same thing here. It's a tribute,
people, not a ripoff. Hopefully you will enjoy the finale as much as I did!
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Part Two: The Live Finale
2:50 - Arrive at CBS studios in Studio City. I am with Murtz, the webmaster for Survivor-Central. Now I'm not sure
if you are aware of how S-C works, but Murtz is the boss; the shadowy, lurking figure who none of us has ever seen
before. He doles out orders and instructions from his ivory tower in Canada. We receive these messages through
a speaker on a desk, much like Charlie's Angels, where we are told to write columns and, occasionally, go undercover
and solve crimes. So this is my first time meeting Murtz, despite writing for his site for two years.
2:51 - We arrive at the wrong gate. They say we have to pick up our tickets at the BOX OFFICE gate, not the STUDIO
gate. That means we have to drive a block to the east.
2:53 - We pick up our tickets at the BOX OFFICE gate. Luckily, the tickets we were promised were waiting for us.
Thanks CBS! We want to walk from here to the studio, but the guard tells us no. We have to get back in the car
and drive back to the STUDIO gate. Sonja Christopher (Survivor I) pulls up in a cab and asks where the studio gate
is, and the guard tells her to drive around the corner. We offered to let them walk with us, but no dice. Would
have been fun though.
2:58- The car is parked and we are ready to go. I think it is very charitable of CBS to stay in touch with Stacey
Stillman, as they have given her an excellent job, valet parking the cars in the lot. I flip Stacey a shiny new
quarter for her efforts and we are ready to go.
3:00 - We are walking toward Studio 36, wearing our spiffy new "AUDIENCE" Survivor passes. On the way,
we see two female ex-Survivor contestants, who are looking for the entrance, although they don't really want to
talk to us. They are both a bit pissy that they don't get a red carpet, and seem like this is all a big hassle
to them. I'm not gonna tell you their names, but they were both in the same cast. Email me your best guess.
3:15 - We are waiting by the entrance, with a bunch of other photographers. There is a red carpet, and I try to
take a picture of a few Survivors. I am gently reminded by the CBS goons that this is for paparazzi only and I
need to go away. Translation: Piss off, web nerds.
3:16 - I take a picture of Sarah Jones anyway, just to spite the security guy.
3:17 - I am pistol-whipped by CBS security until I pass out. (Just kidding!)
3:20 - We are waiting by the paparazzi area, watching to see who shows up. A pregnant Vecepia Towery arrives with
Leander, and Ethan and Kelly Wiglesworth arrive in a group. We are just hanging out, until another CBS dude tells
us that we only have audience credentials, and need to go away. Translation again: Piss off, web nerds. We are
sent off to the audience waiting pit, also known as the loser area. No more fun is to be had.
3:30 - We have to go through heavy security just to get into the audience area. No cell phones, no pagers, no cameras.
They confiscate our cameras and cell phones, for pickup after the show. But on the plus side, there is free food
for everyone, water, potato chips, pretzels, cookies and candy.
3:31 - Tom Buchanan and Ted Rogers arrive to loot the food table. There is no longer any free food.
3:35 - Murtz wants to bring his camera inside, and goes on a 15 minute crusade to get his camera back from security.
He says this is a much different mood than the New York finale last year, this one is far more strict. It is just
like any other studio taping. The audience is much smaller too.
4:05 - We are still waiting in the audience area, and it is cold outside. We were supposed to be seated at 4:00,
but they are running late. Murtz never got his camera back from security.
4:08 - The family members arrive! They shuttle in behind us, and Murtz points out Penny's husband, Ted's family,
Jan's kid, and the army of John Raymond supporters. Of course, the big question is, "Will C.C. Heidik show
up?" All the audience seems to be looking for her, we don't know if there is still a restraining order against
her or if that was all hearsay. We see no sign of C.C., I theorize that maybe they lowered her in through the roof,
to avoid the crowd.
4:10 - The door to the studio opens and the mob of audience members decides to push towards it. We are all crammed
together, but the guards hold us back. The actual ex-Survivors have to enter first, so we have to wait and watch.
4:20 - Hold the phones! The party can now start! Peter Harkey is here! Peter Harkey is in the house! Immediately
identifiable by his height and his hair, Peter walks in to the roaring cheer of an adoring crowd. Children avert
their eyes.
4:21 - Once Peter has been seated, the rest of the Survivors file in. Many of them have changed clothes since the
fundraiser brunch that morning. Lindsey and Jessie are dressed to kill, and Alicia is wearing this funky hat and
halter top combo. They all seem excited to be here. We see Gina, Tammy, Lex, Jeff Varner, Kelly Wiglesworth and
Paschal as well. We barely see Kathy, but you can immediately identify her laugh. Gabe shows up in a really loud
yellow and orange Hawaiian style shirt.
4:25 - The audience losers are allowed to funnel in, at their own peril. There is only one tiny door open for us,
so we all squish together.
4:30 - Everyone is allowed to go in and take their seat except Murtz and me. The door guard asks who we are with,
and we say "Survivor-Central." She says, "Okay, websites will be seated separately," and we
are forced to stand off to the side and watch. I'm surprised she didn't just spit in our faces. "Websites?
(spit) Bah! Go home, and download some porn, computer geeks!"
4:38 - We try to finagle our way in, by saying we are with Teresa Cooper. The door guard doesn't buy it, saying
alumni sit separately. But finally, some other website people show up and we are all allowed in. We are allowed
into the hallowed studio in awe, like the kids entering Willy Wonka's chocolate factory for the first time. It's
quite a studio! Great set, a perfect representation of the Thai Tribal Council.
4:40 - We get in and take our assigned seats. Sure enough, you guessed it, we are seated in the very last row.
Top level, Row ZZZ, seats 98 and 99. Due to the amount of prestige afforded to websites, I'm surprised we didn't
have to stand. We are seated next to Wezzie from ez board, David Bloomberg from Reality News Online, and a few
people (sorry, I didn't catch names!) from Survivor News. We all discuss how they don't care much for websites
anymore, and it is pretty obvious in that there are only 16 seats for website people. But we are all happy to be
here, nonetheless. It is quite a spectacle.
4:48 - Quick thought: Does Tom have to wear the overalls and hat everywhere? Does he ever go anywhere not wearing
overalls?
4:54 - The show is almost ready to start. The emcee for the evening tells us we can do whatever we want at the
start, but we need to shut up at the end for the live part. This will be repeated at least 42 times during the
evening.
4:56 - Mark Burnett and another producer come out to address the audience. Ever the hypester, Burnett starts off
by saying this episode will feature "The greatest twist in Survivor history, and you'll be a part of it!"
Sounds ominous, we are excited. He explains that they will be switching from tape to live feed in the middle of
a scene, and it has never been attempted before in TV history. Ok, it's not really a -twist- per se, but will be
cool to see.
5:00 - The show starts, we all get to watch the opening recap montage. It's kind of hard to hear, the audio isn't
real loud and people are talking.
5:01 - Robb gets stung by a stingray and flops onto his back. It is the 103rd time I have seen that clip and for
the 103rd time, I giggle. The audience loves that clip.
5:02 - Brian doesn't even APPEAR in the flashback until almost the end. Interesting... But I still think he will
cakewalk to victory tonight. Time to show the world how to play this game, Brian.
5:04 - The opening credit sequence. It's a fun popularity contest, as people cheer their respective favorites.
Jed, Robb and Steph all get big cheers, but the biggest is for John Raymond. Like I said, he had a whole army of
fans and family there.
5:05 - First bathroom break. There are four port-a-potties outside, for the entire audience. You have to run out
there fast to beat the crowd. Jenna Lewis is standing right in front of me, and she almost yanks her arm off trying
to open one of the stall doors. She tries a few times and then notices it is locked, jokingly reminding everyone
that the light on means the stall is OCCUPIED. The guy inside comes out and said he thought it was turning into
a stunt from "Jackass." He thought they were tipping him over. It was pretty funny, Jenna was a good
sport.
5:09 - They are building boats for all the players who were voted off. It would be funny if they lost Ted's boat.
5:10 - Brian pats himself on the back for getting this far. Man, I love that guy. The audience is abuzz at his
brazen cockiness. It's hard to tell if it is a pro-Brian crowd or not, it's borderline right now.
5:12 - Just as I predicted! No "Fallen Comrades" challenge this year. I figured they would ditch that.
This one is physical, I tell Murtz that Brian so wins this. Murtz asks, is it good or not that the late challenges
are physical? I say it's good because they can get rid of Jan. I'm very worried about Jan sneaking in a win tonight.
I also comment this is a very early challenge, it means there is a lot to happen later in the show. Maybe the big
"twist" that Burnett promised...?
5:13 - Clay falls on his balance beam and hits himself in the 'nads. Funny scene.
5:14 - Brian finishes his puzzle first, and the audience cheers. But I think they were actually cheering Jeff's
line about Brian not letting Clay copy. Jeff says, "Brian has the knife out," and I comment that he has
had the knife out since day one.
5:16 - People cheered when Brian finished, but people -really- cheer when Helen finishes the balance beam. Helen
is clearly the most popular of the final four, people love her. But Brian eats the spider, amidst groans from the
crowd, and wins. I'm happy, and the crowd claps for him. Go Brian!
5:17 - Here's a thought: Brian had one chance to get the spider down. But if he puked it up, does he get another?
Does he have to pick up the half-eaten one and eat it again, covered in puke? Or does he get a fresh one? What
are the rules here? Hey, this is the stuff I think of, people.
5:21 - Informal poll among the website people: Jan is going to go first.
5:24 - By the way, it is freezing in here. I think they have to keep it cold, so people's makeup doesn't run. But
I'm shivering up in seat 99ZZZ and I NEVER shiver.
5:25 - Okay, now Helen has made some enemies in camp. The guys want Jan to vote out Helen. Informal poll among
the website people is that this will be a 2-2 tie. Helen vs. Clay.
5:28 - Jeff Probst busts Jan for lying at Tribal Council. The crowd chuckles. Jan votes and they don't show who
she wrote. Look, I KNOW it would ruin the suspense, but I'd like to know her reasons for the choice she made. C'mon
you pansies, show us Jan's vote!
5:32 - Helen is gone! And BOY is she pissed. The crowd was very much pro-Helen, this wasn't a popular moment. Someone
comments, "Now the jury is gonna get ugly." People clap as Helen leaves, a moment of respect for their
favorite.
5:33 - People cheer loudly at Helen's final words. "Break a leg, and I MEAN it." Great speech. Total
Helen.
5:34 - Informal poll of website people is that Brian has started to lose some votes on the jury. I disagree, saying
Brian will win anyway, they may hate him but still respect him. I don't think anything has changed.
5:38 - During commercial break, the emcee yells out, "Who do you want to win?" Most yell "Brian,"
although I decide to be a smartass and yell "Ethan!" No one really hears.
5:40 - Another Brian speech, praising himself. Could the guy be more cocky? The debate comes up, who is the best
player of all time? Murtz says Brian, David Bloomberg says Richard. I think Brian, but I say it is like apples
and oranges, they aren't competing in the same environment. Although I still say you could make a case for Vecepia.
5:42 - The final boat ride, reflecting on their fallen comrades. Boats are released. Geez, there's 1:20 left in
the show??? This will be a long jury scene. Jed's flashbacks are loudly cheered, I didn't realize he was so popular.
Jake is also very popular. Robb is shown choking and mocking Clay, and everyone laughs. People love Robb, although
it was odd they showed that as his "highlight." I didn't realize I liked this cast that much, until I
get a bit misty watching their greatest moments.
5:47 - Commercial break, and C.C. Heidik walks right by us. I am the first to spot her, nudging Murtz to look.
She is in a very expensive fur coat. I brag that I have a God-given talent of spotting adult film stars anywhere
in a crowd. It's a gift from above, who am I to question its purpose? But she walks by and we immediately all gossip
about why she is there, and if she is with Brian's family.
5:51 - Final immunity challenge. Dark set, lots of candles, very cool. It's not outside, but is 105 degrees in
the cave. The frame looks like a torture rack, this one should be brutal. Murtz says Brian should throw this one,
I don't think there's a chance in hell he will, he is way too much of a control freak. Once again though, no Fallen
Comrades! They scrapped it entirely this year.
5:55 - The challenge has started. And my goodness, look at the Christ imagery on Brian. The long hair, the glowing
light halo behind him, the outstretched pose, the serene peace on his face. Eerie. I point this out and someone
says, "Hey, you're Tapewatcher, aren't you!" I deny it. I figure that whoever can do yoga will win this
challenge. Brian is able to shut Jeff and his questions out, I think he will pull this off.
5:58 - Clay's hurt! Clay has the jimmy legs. Then Jan quits. It is now Clay and Brian, and it appears that Clay
just quits too. I don't think he threw it, but Murtz does. But Brian wins, yay Brian!
6:01 - I run down to the bathrooms for a bathroom break. After I exit, I see Robert DeCanio ("The General")
who is next in line. He jokes that I was in there a long time, "C'mon buddy, you were in there forever!"
I crack that I got stuff to do, man, but he was just being a wise-ass. Funny guy. I return to my seat but -just-
miss Alicia, who was also in line. I wanted to tell her about All-Star Hawaii, since she was the winner, but I
haven't had a chance yet. Hopefully I can run into her later.
6:02 - Back at my seat. Teresa Cooper comes over and says she is interviewing Mark Burnett after the show. She
wants to know if Murtz or I have any good questions. I say, "Give me ten minutes." She asks who we think
will win. I say Brian, Murtz says Clay.
6:07 - The jury files in. Boy does Helen look pissed.
6:08 - Brian walks up to cast the fatal vote. He walks very slowly. Cocky, or just sore from the challenge? You
decide.
6:11 - Jan is gone. No big surprise there, but I breathe a sigh of relief. I was worried about her winning this.
People clap for her, politely. I say that Brian has won. Clay thanks Brian for taking him along, and I comment
that this is the first ever finale with two males.
6:15 - The emcee comes out and again warns us that we are going live in the middle of a scene at 6:55. He warns
us it will be a helicopter shot, and then we all have to be silent.
6:18 - Murtz and I give a list of questions to Teresa, so she can interview Burnett. Among them:
* Who do you think was the best player of all time?
* Does anything about this game surprise you anymore?
* How do you pick what challenges to do, and when?
* Who were you pulling for to win in Thailand?
6:19 - The last bathroom break is over, we are all now stuck in the studio until it ends.
6:20 - Brian bows to himself in the mirror, and then thanks his mirror image. You know he does this almost every
day before work. Gotta love Brian.
6:22 - The CBS staff asks everyone in the back rows to move down, so there are no empty seats on the live portion.
We end up right behind the army of John's family, next to the band. Right directly under the big swivel-arm camera.
6:23 - Time for the opening jury statements. Watch the car salesman take over now.
6:24 - Mark Burnett addresses us again about the tape-to-live switch. He says it will be an incredible challenge
but adds, "I like challenges." He is a great public speaker, always enthusiastic.
6:28 - The actual Thailand Survivors file onto the stage during a commercial, and take their places. Brian, Clay,
Helen, they are all there, wearing their same clothes. Helen is the big star, very giggly and waving to her family.
She's like a little kid. Everyone in the crowd seems to love Helen.
6:30 - They turn down all the lights in the studio, for the final segment. I can't really take notes now, but the
jury speeches are great. Ken was funny as hell, playing the "bad cop" interrogation routine. Ted's comment
about racism came out of nowhere, and everyone loved Helen's harassment of Brian, particularly when she growled
at him. It was funny to watch all the open-mouthed reactions of surprise from Brian, particularly when Clay reeled
off all the info about Penny. The mood is that Brian did poorly with the jury questions, this could be anybody's
game right now. Murtz thinks Clay did well with the jury. I honestly don't know what to think now.
6:47 - Final commercial break, we are coming back for the money shot ending. Murtz thinks Clay will win. I think
Brian will win, but Murtz's confidence is making me nervous. It is very tense. I comment that the person I wanted
to win has won all four previous final votes, so I am banking that Brian can pull this off.
6:55 - We switch from tape to live, in the middle of a shot. Jeff Probst walked out to retrieve the ballots, and
on the walk back, we switch to a live shot. Looks pretty seamless, but you can tell on TV if you watch for it.
Also, Clay gained some weight, so he doesn't quite look the same anymore. The audio in the studio goes out for
a few seconds, and we think they screwed up. But on TV later it looked fine.
6:58 - Jeff pulling out the last vote. VERY tense in the studio, I honestly don't know what will happen. This is
great TV.
7:00 - Brian wins! Everybody cheers and screams, although we are instructed to do that anyway. They said, "Just
stand and cheer no matter who wins." But I think deep down it was a pro-Brian crowd, people may not have liked
him, but they respected him. It just looks better if Brian is the winner.
7:02 - The Survivors file out for the reunion show. My God, Ghandia is wearing something from the Sgt. Pepper line.
I hope Brian pats himself on the back during the reunion.
7:15 - First commercial. Ted and Ghandia have not looked at each other yet. I think it's still a touchy issue.
7:16 - David Bloomberg from Reality News Online is pulled randomly from the crowd to dance for the audience, during
a commercial. This breaks Jeff Probst's "No singing, no dancing" rule.
7:19 - They come back from a commercial, with the 5-4-3-2-1 countdown. I am disappointed that they don't do the
silent "3-2-1" point like in "Wayne's World."
7:20 - Ted vs Ghandia. They still don't look at each other, and don't laugh at the clips. Still very sensitive.
And I noticed Tanya kind of looks like Jessie, when they both have their hair down.
7:25 - Wow, Jed looks incredibly uncomfortable up on stage. He always looks like he's got a stick up his butt,
never so bad as now, though. I wonder if he is always like that, or just on live TV.
7:26 - The audience laughs and cheers at everything Robb says. He is clearly the funniest of all of them, although
Helen gets her fair share of laughs too.
7:29 - Probst slams Stephanie for never showing up. Nice!
7:33 - Commercial break. Murtz asks if Probst will ask about Brian's porn past. I doubt it. Brian really has yet
to smile, he is really kind of in his own world. Ghandia gets up and tries to dance with her kid in the audience,
but the CBS people make her sit down.
7:39 - It sounds like Jed is crying but I am told he was just up late and is probably exhausted. They had a lot
of cast parties on Wednesday night and I think his voice is gone.
7:44 - The emcee asks who is in the audience, and the website people loudly announce their presence. He comes up
and asks what sites we write for. We yell out "Reality News Online" and "Survivor Maps" and
then Murtz loudly screams "SURVIVOR-CENTRAL!" He yells it again, pointing at the emcee, and I think the
guy was legitimately frightened of us. He backs away, saying "I think I'll move away from you people."
Nice try by Murtz though.
7:45 - Wrapping up now. Brian claps coolly for everything that happens, like he doesn't give a crap. Helen is very
animated with all her answers, she is great on camera, I would love to meet her.
7:46 - Promo for Survivor: The Amazon. Cool logo!
8:00 - The show is over! We all get to file out. Those going to the after-party to the left, others (me) to the
right. I have to retrieve my camera from check-in and am lucky to FINALLY run into Alicia. She is with Jeff Varner.
Murtz greets Jeff, saying "You were right" in regards to Brian winning. I introduce myself to Alicia,
telling her about All-Star Hawaii and that it was very popular and that she was the winner. She said that was cool,
and I say I want to send her a copy, since she will get a kick out of it. She said she had heard that she won,
but had not read the story yet. So in the middle of a big mob I hand her a note with my email address and my mission
is now complete. (note: She never contacted me.) It's time to go home and watch the show on TV now!
(Mario's afterword: I obviously couldn't write this in the column at the time but on the way out Jeff happened to give us some other info as well. Murtz started asking Jeff what he knew about Amazon (which was still filming). And Jeff said he heard that there was a guy in Amazon who was "just killing people". Apparently this guy was like Richard Hatch only he was young, and he was the most evil person the producers had ever seen. Turns out later we were being told about Rob Cesternino, although through most of the first episode I was pretty sure it was going to be Ryan Aiken.)
Mario Lanza lives in Los Angeles with his wife and two small children. He is one of the writers of All-Star Survivor:
Alaska, as well as this weekly column.
Email Mario at MLanza1974@aol.com